*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*