A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
You Might Also Like
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Doug is just Canadian for dog