Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Sharon I have some bad news

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?