me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I occasionally drink every single night.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
He just like my cat fr