Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
cat vs inanimate object
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.