My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday