My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew