Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?