<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.