Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
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How do dragons blow out candles?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something