Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
This is me 🤣🤣
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Still cracks me up
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.