If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
You Might Also Like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.