Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
You Might Also Like
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
fourth time’s the charm
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
LOOOOOOL
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
plant them where lol
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”