plant them where lol
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).