I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
whatcha thinkin bout
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Van Gone
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Did…did a minotaur write this
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”