whatcha thinkin bout
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.