TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”