I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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My diet starts in January
of 2027
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Ghost costume 😂
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.