When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
In Canada they just call them geese
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
This line from Airplane.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?