Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge