Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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yeah not falling for this one
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
there’s probably a fee though
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Breaking news:
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.