I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
c’mon!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.