Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
mom gave me mine for free
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
How to properly lift a body
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.