Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours