There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,