My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
You Might Also Like
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
When you kidnap a writer.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer