Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You Might Also Like
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?