Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
You Might Also Like
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight