My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Only short people can save us
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not