The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a librarian.
Me: *doesn鈥檛 talk again all night*
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 馃檪
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
going to the ER y’all need anything
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I鈥檓 inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.