My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
where’s Godzilla when we need him
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
giddy up Office Depot
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something