lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that