Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Self-cleaning conscience
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You sure about that?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit