My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please