Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
And now we wait