Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not