me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I need to get some bricks…
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.