sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Just a reminder, folks: