why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.