Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
No, I don’t think I will.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.