I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Perfect
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.