I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?