i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted