How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

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SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing


ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*


Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.


Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.


Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.


So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.


[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.


You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.