@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

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@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

@deloisivete

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

@brennadine

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

@StruggleDisplay

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

@ilovecuredmeats

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.