How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
marvel comics have peaked
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.