[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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This made me chuckle.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
not for long
finally
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Rooting for the overdog
when revenge coincides with naptime
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones