Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The struggle is real
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door