The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I feel it
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
bury ourselves
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Why am I like this?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.