He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
You Might Also Like
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Mouse
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.