(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.