My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No