My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
You Might Also Like
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Krampus.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating