My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Hotels are back
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.