No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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I say at least five times a day âI need to lose weight.â I still havenât lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesnât work.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any âdank memesâ.
You donât even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I donât have a pair thatâll do both.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: youâre all blocking the table
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cakeâŚIâll bring cake
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
đđ
(Gaming support cat.)
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word âwaterfallâ was in charge of inventing all new words
It was 80s day at my 8yoâs school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we donât so
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile