Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Hello Twits.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye