Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Most fashion shows these days…
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me